Oh for the love of Blue Bell

As it became more and more difficult for Joe to drink and eat he developed a love for Blue Bell ice cream. Not any Blue Bell, but old fashioned Vanilla in the small cups that you would serve to kids at a birthday party. He wanted to go visit the Blue Bell factory in Brenham and talked about all the different flavors he would try. I told him that I would take him. We started planning the trip but never got to go because Joe had a seizure. It was then we found out the cancer had spread to his brain. Once Joe was released from the hospital our good friend Heather called Blue Bell to see if they allowed private tours. She found out that they do not. Once she explained Joe's condition they advised if we could be there 1 hour before regular opening hours they would give us a private tour. He was so weak that he could not make the trip. Joe passed away within a week 1/2 later. I become so sad when I think of my promise to get him there. A promise I could not keep. How do you let go of guilt from unfulfilled promises?

Diagnosis day

I can still recall the day as if it was yesterday, the day she said it was Cancer. The day Joe's wife said "I went into recovery to sit with Joe, and saw the chart hanging at the end of the bed. The words large esophageal mass, presumed to be cancerous". I knew it was bad, I am a nurse after all. I felt so sad, what 32 year old man gets esophageal cancer? He lived for his wife and children, they were his life. Joe fought until his last breath to stay here for them. I have lost people in my life and as an ED nurse I understand death. However, I cannot imagine losing my spouse at 35 years old. How do you explain to your 7 year old son that his dad will never be able to coach his baseball team again? How do you carry on when you are 35 years old, have 3 sons age 7, 13 & 17, and are a widow? I cannot even imagine saying the words widow as a description for my martial status at my age much less at 35. If only Joe had his difficulty swallowing investigated when it first began until waiting until it was to late. These are questions I will ponder the rest of my life.

Keeping Memories Alive

I smile every time I recall the smile on Joe's face when we asked him if he would be Ryleigh's (my Granddaughter) Godfather. With 3 sons, Joe absolutely adored her and would often ask if she could come over and he could tell everyone that she was his little girl. I would laugh and tell him no, but  we could share her.  As Joe became sicker and sicker and it was obvious that he was loosing his battle I promised him I would never let Ryleigh forget who he was and how much he loved her. My question is this, how do you keep memories alive when she is only 2 1/2 years old?